Turning the Tables on Slut Shaming

When I heard my young son laughingly use the word “slut,” it was all I could do to keep from slamming on the brakes, and pulling him into the front seat for a lecture. Instead, I maintained my composure and calmly asked, “Where did you hear that word?”

“On YouTube.”

“In what context?”

“A woman was dressed kinda like that woman back there, and some guys laughed and called her a ‘slut.’”

“Do you know what it means?”

“Not really.”

“Ok. You’re not in trouble, but later I want to have a conversation about why that word is unkind.”

“Ok,” he agreed as he innocently turned back to the window, and continued people watching.

For the past three years, I have actively worked to foster an environment where women can own their sexuality without being derogatorily labeled. How had I neglected to impress this important message upon my very own son? But then again, why would it occur to me to prevent usage of a word that I never expected him to hear? As a society, we should have moved past this by now.

I asked social media followers to share stories of when they first became aware of the word. Some responded that they had received the label as young as six-years-old. What was most heartbreaking is that it was often bestowed by mothers and grandmothers.

When I willingly, and with great sincerity, followed the teachings of the patriarchal homeschool community, I often read articles written by preacher Doug Wilson. When I left that world, I forgot about him and never gave thought to the damage his teachings, and those like his, had inflicted on my psyche.

A controversy surrounding one of his recent articles brought it rushing back. He crudely, but succinctly, stated a common attitude toward the sexual differences in men and women.

“A key that opens a hundred locks can claim to be a master key. A lock that opens to a hundred keys can only claim to be pretty much worthless.”

I was determined to keep my purity until my wedding night, but circumstances completely out of my control made that impossible. That event altered the course of my life and affected every decision I made about my future. And yet, I was the one who was blamed.

I was “tarnished.”

I was “damaged goods.”

I was “blessed” to be “picked up off the trash heap” and “polished” by a man who gave me value. Without my purity, I was a worthless slut.

For nearly thirty years, I worked hard to feel valued. I thought my value needed to come from a man because I was nothing on my own. But in reality, I needed to learn to value myself. I needed to tear away the labels that had been thrust upon me (and continue to be thrust upon me), and recognize that placing value on “sexual purity” is a man-made construct. It truly has nothing to do with a woman’s worth.

A wise friend once said to me, “It’s far more important to value yourself than to have others value you, because you can’t control what others do. Conforming your behavior to suit the sensibilities of others is respecting their expectations more than your own truth. Being able to act in the way that feels natural and liberating to you is true self-respect. Once you value your own truth more than the restrictions of others, you become capable of great things.”

That is the message I choose to impress upon my children. Male or female, one’s sexual experiences do not make him or her less valuable than another. “Slut” is a derogatory term used to shame and devalue women. We don’t use that word in our house. We’ve also banned a certain YouTube channel. We’re capable of much greater things.

Syndicated columnist Ginger Claremohr is an author, speaker, and mother of five. Follow her on Facebook, find her on the web: www.claremohr.com, or contact ginger@claremohr.com.