An Open Letter To My Future Partner

I have spent considerable time exploring the world, learning better ways of doing relationships; a better way of loving than what I have previously known. As I see it, there are some core flaws in the expectations of the general masses. People meet, fall in love, and immediately want to glom their lives together, trying to become one, and expecting the other to fulfill their every need.

There is nothing logical or practical in this approach. The unrealistic, and dare I say selfish, expectations we create within the common relationship are the reason why so many fail. I want uncommon. I don’t want to recreate failed relationships. I want to try a new approach. Let’s design a relationship that meets both of our needs, while also providing the space necessary for personal growth and development.

I no longer believe that the purpose for living is to find a significant other, but rather the purpose for choosing a partner is to learn and grow in a way that furthers the journey of our souls. It’s not about whether you can meet my needs in the here and now. It’s about a bigger picture that encompasses the entire scope of humanity, and the passage of two individual souls from this life into the next.

I long for a deeper connection that not only benefits the two of us, but benefits the lives of those around us. I want to work on myself while you work on yourself, and together we work to improve the world. And at the end of the day, when the work has been hard, we provide a respite for one another, where we are safe, accepted, and unconditionally loved.

I will support you on your journey. I will listen to your heart’s desires with an understanding that what is in your heart encompasses more than your for love me. The tugging of your heart will lead you to experiences that are necessary in obtaining your full potential.

From a practical standpoint, let’s face it, we’ve already lived a good portion of our lives before meeting. I will respect the relationships you’ve established and give you the space you need to maintain those. I will not hinder or presuppose. I will not tell you how I think you should handle relationships, or anything else in life, unless you seek my input. And I recognize that seeking my input does not mean that you must do as I have suggested.

When I am feeling troubled, I will articulate the things that are on my mind so that we can have productive conversations. I will never make you guess what I’m thinking. I will never say I’m fine if I’m not actually fine. I don’t have the time or desire to play the games that others play. Our relationship will be bigger than that, and our time will be better spent. I recognize that my emotions are not your responsibility. Feelings change from moment to moment. I am capable of discussing in a logical manner, and listening to your point of view, knowing the ultimate responsibility is on my shoulders.

My needs are simple. I need intimacy, and I need space. These seem contradictory, but space gives time for self-reflection, insight, and growth, which enables one to give more fully to deeply connected intimacy. I want to explore and learn everything about you, but not to the point of losing myself. I have come to realize that a woman who is in full possession of herself has a greater ability to see the many nuances of need and desire in others. When you live only for someone else, you become nothing more than a reflection of them.

But I will give fully of myself to you. I will not withhold my heart, my mind, or my body. During those times of physical intimacy, I will be fully invested in your needs and desires, as I know you will mine.

I don’t want to glom my life onto yours. We are individuals who have chosen to observe life together, that doesn’t mean we can never spend time apart. It might be in our best interest to keep separate households, or take separate vacations. This will not hinder us from supporting one another or meeting the needs for companionship. In fact, it might enhance our togetherness if some of our life is lived apart. But I am open to discussing all possibilities. The beauty of creating a relationship unique to ourselves, is that we can decide every day what works for us.

That’s what I want more than anything. I want mindful discussion and consideration of the details. I don’t want to run willy-nilly toward each other with no consideration of the practicalities. I want warm fuzzies and spontaneity, but I also want to plan and dream and create something unique.

Unlike those in a common relationship, I will never assume that my obligations are yours. If you want to attend my family functions or work events, you would be enthusiastically welcomed. But if you have other things you’d rather do, that’s okay too. I have no assumptions about how these things will work. Let’s discover ways to relax and enjoy one another, and still have our individual needs met.

Expectations are unavoidable, but I think they should be basic. Call when you say you will. Respond to invitations in a timely manner. Respect one another’s bodies, minds, and desires. Expect to be delighted and surprised by what we discover in one another. Expect to help each other in difficult times and hold one another during times of grief. Or maybe one of us will need space to grieve. Expect that as well.

In short, practice kindness and courtesy, but beyond that, expect the unexpected. Our relationship will continually develop in a fluid manner that doesn’t give way to stagnancy, boredom, or anger. Most importantly, we will propel one another to fulfill our individual purposes, and allow our souls to find what they need to further the journey. We will leave this world a better place, and perhaps in the next life we will find each other sooner. But in the here and now, we are going to have a great deal of fun! xo