I keep running into people who tell me the only reason they read this column is because they are hoping I will dish about my in-laws. You see, my father-in-law is a Quaker minister in a nearby town. His parishioners want me to reveal a family secret or two so they can cluck their tongues and say, “Tsk, tsk,” to one another. You know how church ladies can be.
I don’t want to disappoint my readers so today I am going to give you the “scoop” (pun soon to be evident) on the Quaker minister’s wife; my Mother-In-Law henceforth referred to as Mil.
Mil is the quintessential lady. She walks, talks and dresses in a more lady-like manner than any woman I know. She recently accompanied us on a homeschool field trip and another mom observed that Mil doesn’t walk, she glides. This is true. She often does have the appearance of almost floating through the room.
I explained to my friend that this is a result of her fine Quaker breeding. All of her sisters, cousins, and nieces walk in the same upright, even-paced manner. And they never hurry. I was reminded of Mil when I was watching Princess Diaries and the Queen (Julie Andrews) was admonished to hurry up. She replied, “We never hurry, we hasten.” Quality Quaker women hasten and glide. I’m sure it took some getting used to when her son married this clodhopping Baptist with two left feet.
Of course there is always an exception. I remember one time when Mil was walking their large, yellow dog Barney. She returned home with cuts and bruises and her glasses were broken. Apparently Barney decided to go for a run through the woods and hastened Mil right into a giant oak. I wasn’t there to witness it, but I imagine that even while barreling into a tree she managed to maintain her grace and dignity.
So what’s the scoop, you ask? If Mil is such a graceful lady what’s the big deal? Well, when she’s not gliding she’s driving a hot, little, red Mustang, and last weekend…maybe I shouldn’t tell you. I hate to be a gossip. But of course you have a right to know what the preacher’s wife is up to; you do pay their salary. On the other hand, what is it the Bible says about slandering? Never mind that. If I tell you, you will be able to pray for her and send it over the church gossip line, uh, prayer chain. So, I guess I should divulge the secret, as a prayer request of course.
Last weekend my mother-in-law was pulled over for drunk driving!
I can hear the church ladies tittering now. Yep, the preacher’s wife was driving under the influence. Crossed the middle line four times before the cop finally pulled her over.
And what was the cause of her shameful inebriation? Whiskey? Beer? Moonshine? Nyquil? (Oops! Nyquil is the Baptist’s bourbon.) What would cause such a fine, dedicated Quaker woman like Mil to become so intoxicated that she couldn’t properly maneuver her car down the street? Ice Cream! And it wasn’t even Buttered Rum flavor.
Apparently, driving down the highway with an ice cream cone in hand, and two grandsons chattering in the backseat, is a little too complicated for Mil.
Fortunately, the officer was understanding. He’s probably been on an ice cream high a time or two in his life. I know I have to wait at least thirty minutes before driving when I’ve had a Brownie Batter Blizzard from Dairy Queen. You gotta be careful when monitoring the blood/icecreamhol level. Anyway, I don’t suppose someone can be cited for DWIWI. Driving While Intoxicated With Ice cream. Especially not a lovely lady like the Quaker preacher’s wife.
Now, let us bow our heads in prayer.
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