(Disclaimer: If you thought my colon cleansing article was in “poor taste”, you might want to skip to the next article. However, boys between the ages of 10 and 12 will totally appreciate the following “potty” humor.)
Hubby was informed by his doctor that he needs to start taking blood pressure medicine, but he’s not quite willing to make that commitment. Not only does he worry that the side effects will be worse than the actual ailment, he knows that once you agree to go on medication permanently for any health issue, it’s like admitting you are getting old. Of course hubby already thinks he is old. He actually bought senior vitamins shortly after celebrating his 35th birthday.
I’m not entirely sure he suffers from high blood pressure. He has this quirky little fear of things like doctors and nurses, so I’m sure his blood pressure rises every time he has it taken. And he has humongous biceps so it’s only accurate if they use an extra large cuff.
The thing is, he sits around worrying about it, which obviously doesn’t help. I admit I don’t fully understand the trauma of finding out you have high blood pressure; mine is 110/70 on a bad day. Last week it was actually 108/67. I will probably end up being on the same medication as my grandmother, the kind that keeps your blood pressure from dropping too low. I have had at least three different nurses say to me, “Your blood pressure is beautiful! It’s the same as a little girl’s.”
I do try to be understanding of hubby’s predicament, but some things only make matters worse. Last week he had been sitting at the foot of the bed in deep contemplation for a solid 30 minutes. Finally, I looked up from my book and inquired, “What’cha thinking about, honey?” He glumly replied, “My blood pressure.”
How on earth do you think about your blood pressure for thirty minutes straight? It’s either high or it’s not, what else is there to think about?
We have now progressed to the next level of hubby’s decision to resolve the health issue without medical intervention. We go through this two or three times a year. He thinks something is wrong. He goes to the doctor. He doesn’t like what the doctor says. He stresses about it for days on end. He decides to take matters into his own hands and does endless internet research. Everyone knows how totally reliable the internet is. I definitely get all my best medical advice from websites maintained by unknown individuals who may or may not have any clue what they are talking about.
After three days of research hubby asked me to pick up some cayenne pepper capsules and Hawthorne berries. No problem, Wal-mart happened to have them both in stock. But I knew that wouldn’t be all. It’s too easy. So, I waited.
The next day he called again. “I was looking on the internet and I found out that drinking urine is supposed to lower your blood pressure. It has a bunch of amino acids and it’s all purified and everything.”
Now see, this is the kind of weirdo, quack stuff I’m talking about. You can’t take a piece of information like that and act on it without double checking with a real live doctor. But even though the thought of drinking urine made my blood pressure rise to at least 125/76, I went along with the conversation just for fun.
“So, are you supposed to drink all of it?” I asked.
If so, hubby would have quite a time in the mornings. The man must have a bladder the size of Montana. I know he goes for three minutes straight. It’s not a big deal really, except when I’m lying in bed, listening to the steady drizzle, and occasionally the sound changes so I know he has hit the rim, or the floor, or the wall.
I suppose it might not be too bad if you could flavor it somehow. I don’t know if it would be better warm or iced. Perhaps you could freeze and crush it, then mix with some cherry flavoring. Or since it comes out warm, you could stir in a little cream and sugar.
Hopefully it’s not addictive. “I just can’t get going in the mornings without my cup o’ urine.”
Believe it or not this isn’t the first time I’ve heard of using urine for medicinal purposes. Family folklore suggests that my crazy great-grandma used to cure ear infections by pouring urine out of a boot into her children’s ears.
Internet research shows that this is, in fact, a very effective way to combat ear infections, but it’s important to note that you use the child’s urine, not your own. I don’t know if the boot is necessary or if you could just use a regular shoe. Perhaps a low-heeled pump or a running shoe would work, but preferably not a flip-flop.
I haven’t told hubby yet, but I heard on the news today that a popular candy company is releasing a new candy bar next month that was created to lower your blood pressure. I think I’ll wait to see how far he takes this urine thing before I present him with a tasty chocolate bar.
Leave a Reply