If I had known

As the sun creeps up over the horizon, I watch the two youngest of my five children, sleeping peacefully after a difficult night of illness and unrest. I am exhausted, but it is necessary to get on with my day.  I pause for a moment and think back on my decision to have my tubal reversed.  We already had three beautiful children, but I was fearful of the complications I’d had during pregnancy and chose to have my tubes tied.  It was a decision I regretted almost immediately.

A few years later, hubby surprised me with a card shaped like a baby bottle.  The note inside said that he had set aside money to have my tubal reversed. All I needed to do was call the doctor.  It was an amazing gift! But there was so much I didn’t know.  So many things I could never have guessed.

If I had known I would experience pain and infection, I would not have done it.

If I had known that I would hold ultrasound picture after ultrasound picture of babies that I would never meet this side of Heaven, I would not have done it.

If I had known that I have three clotting disorders that would require daily shots to maintain pregnancies, and that I would actually develop a blood clot while pregnant in a third world country and separated from my husband due to rioting, I would not have done it.

If I had known that I would go nearly three years without a full night’s sleep, I would not have done it.

If I had known that our life was going to suddenly develop into a life of traveling all over the world, and how hard it is to travel with babies, I would not have done it.

If I had known how many nights I would sit alone at home while my husband sat alone in a hotel because it was just too expensive to take the entire family, I would not have done it.

If I had known that we would travel to so many wonderful places, but never get to have a quiet dinner, or even get in a decent conversation, because taking two little ones to a foreign country is always a trying time, I would not have done it.

If I had known how carefree my life could become once my older children reached high school, and how much time I could have devoted to enjoying my husband and pursuing my writing, I would not have done it.

If I had known how many things I wouldn’t get to do with my teenagers because they were impossible to do with toddlers, I would not have done it.

If I had known how much more difficult it is to have babies, toddlers, preschoolers in my 40s than it was in my 20s, I would not have done it.

Interrupting my thought process, three-year-old son raises his tousled blonde head from the pillow he is sharing with his four-year-old sister.  His fever has broken, and his blue eyes are shining brightly. “Good morning, mommy!” he says cheerily as he reaches his chubby arms out for a hug.

Instantly, I raise my eyes toward Heaven and whisper, “THANK GOD I DIDN’T KNOW!!”